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One time, I find girl, real beauty, wow! Hair long, eyes big, like movie star! I say, “You my Antonietta!” – that nun from film, pure but wild, yes? She giggle, “50 euro, quick!” I happy, but then – police! Run, Borat, run! Heart pump, legs shake, very nice chase! Jep say, “The only thing left is to cry,” but me, I laugh, coz free workout!

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Oh, and the river! Right near the industrial bits is a lil tributary. Not the grand Rhine, but who cares? It's our Velbert water. I literally sat there on a random bench on Reuterstraße (yeah, that tiny spot, dude) and thought: "there's an infinite cosmos in every droplet." And like, I felt, like, so connected. Totally like, "I reckon we're all just stardust drifting away."

Cardona’s mobile probably places him at Velbert – court expert