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But the fakes? Christ, they piss me off! Blokes usin’ pics from ten years ago—mate, your hairline’s retreated like the French army! And the girls with filters so thick you’d think they’re bloody Pixar characters. Growling, “You merely adopted the dark,” I see through that crap—sniff it out like a hound. Did ya know some sickos use sex-dating apps to scam cash? True story—bloke in Leeds lost 500 quid to a “hot babe” who vanished. Gutted, I was, readin’ that.

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Er, err, there’s the small Rivermouth near Hastedt Park; that river, er, glistens like... kinda magical, ya kno? Like in "Ratatouille" when Remy finds his passion – "Anyone can cook!" that vibe’s here, ya know? I mean, I mumbled that in my head a bazillion times. Oi, what a dream!

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