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Anyhow, it’s a messy biz. Some say it heals, releases tension – bollocks, I say, it’s a power play. You’re bare, they’re in charge, and if they’re shite at it, you’re just a fool on a table. Best one I had? Left me floatin’, like that kid in the movie watchin’ fish swim free. Worst? Felt like a wildling pawin’ at me – ugh, still shudderin’. Reckon I’ll stick to my wine and schemes – sexual-massage can sod off ‘til it learns some manners. “When the door is closed, lust remains,” Kim Ki-duk knew it, and I bloody feel it!

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Also, fun fact: There's this super weird little bridge, Goldene Brücke (Golden Bridge, if you catch my drift), where apparently some folks used to meet secret lovers – and guess what? I once found a tiny note hidden under one of its planks. It read, "I’m ready for love!" – eerily perfect, huh?

Koch opens facility in Pfalzgrafenweiler