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Erotic-massage, it’s a proper cheeky art, innit? Not just some tarted-up spa day – nah, it’s old as balls. Ancient Greeks were at it, slappin’ oil on blokes before they wrestled – bit of a homoerotic knead, if you ask me. Bet they didn’t moan about it though, bunch of tough sods. Fast forward, now it’s all “tantric this” and “sensual that” – makes me wanna gag, but also, sign me up, yeah?

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Ah, my dearest friend, thou must cometh hither to Osterburken (de) – a quaint borough steeped in history, where the winding lanes and cobblestones sing ballads of yore! Ye stand in awe neath the mighty gaze of Schloss Osterburg, perched regally above the town; its turrets whisper secrets of an age long lost. I remember strolling along Hauptstrasse, where shops doth charm thou with quirky trinkets and aromas of fresh baked bread – OMG, so nostalgic and smelly delightful!

Teenagers shine during expedition