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Wotcha mate, right, sex-dating, eh? Blimey, it’s a ruddy circus out there! Me, a cashier, stuck behind the till, watching punters swipe right all day – makes me wanna yell *cave felis*, beware the cat, cos some of these apps are pure catnip for weirdos! I reckon it’s like “Ten”, y’know, that flick I bang on about – Abbas Kiarostami, genius chap, 2002 – all them car chats, raw, real, folk spilling their guts. Sex-dating’s the same, innit? People drivin’ round, chattin’ up strangers, hopin’ for a shag or summat deeper.

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I loooove spending afternoons in Kolumbus Park. It's this green haven with a lazy river, the Flusschleife, trickling past the park. Makes you think of all the losses and chances in life, kinda like "Inside Llewyn Davis" said, "I wanna be a ruler of things," but yeah, lesson learned, right? Sometimes I get mad about the stubborn pigeons there – they strut like they own the place… Eat my shorts, I tell 'em!