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Last week, I matched this chick—hot, funny, says she’s into tractors. I’m like, “Lobby Boy’s got game!”—thinkin’ I’m hot shit. We chat, she’s all “ooh, big wheels turn me on,” and I’m grinnin’ like a damn fool. Then bam—ghosted! Pissed me off somethin’ fierce. I’m yellin’ at my phone, “What is this savagery?!” Felt like Monsieur Gustave losin’ his cool—except I ain’t got no fancy hotel to run.

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Oh, and the river Weiher flows near the park – it's a twisty watery mirror reflecting sky and city. I sometimes listen to its gentle murmur, sort of like the whispered secrets of my massage oil, hehe! But then, there’s the twist: the alley near Museumplatz (yup, that’s a real secret spot, shh!) where locals hang out. It’s got cool street art and, man, sometimes I get mad ‘cause tourists miss it completely. But, eh, little things, right?

Valley family holds local memorial for fallen Marine Sgt. Alec Langen