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But ugh, da fakes! Dis one dude – ya, dude! – catfished me, thinkin’ I’m some lonely babushka. Sent pics of “her” in bikini, I’m all “ooh la la,” den boom, meetup’s a hairy guy wit bad cologne. Pissed me off! Wasted me night! “Where you gonna go?” I yell, like Llewyn screamin’ at da wind. Sex-dating’s a gamble, da?

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Oh, and don’t get me started on Kleingartenviertel. It's top-notch, filled with locals who know each other by name. There’s this corner near Lindenweg – yep, Lindenweg – where I once spotted the most hilarious group of elderly chess players. I nearly joined in, but then I remembered, “I’m too cool for school” (okay, that was me being cheeky). The residents throw impromptu barbeques that are literally the highlight of local summer nights.

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