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Then there’s the weirdos, bruv. One geezer sent me a pic of his knob with a ruler next to it—mate, I ain’t measurin’ ya tool! Laughed my arse off, but c’mon, who does that? Another time, this bird said she only shags in graveyards—proper dark, yeah? Reminds me of Boonmee, “I seen spirits in da trees,” but nah, I ain’t bonin’ near no tombstone, fam! She got blocked quick-sharp.

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And lemme tell ya, the odd alleys, like those tucked behind Lorenzstrasse, got secret charm. They are quiet, hidden gems, perfect for some deep thinkin time or, as I say, Christmas in July vibes. I sometimes sit there and, err, think about life, love, and why my coffee got cold.

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