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So, last time I went, this chick’s hands—woo!—slidin’ everywhere, real slow. I’m thinkin’, “This is my crusade!”—y’know, like Batman fightin’ stress. She’s hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had! Surprised me, man—did you know there’s, like, secret pressure points down there? Freaky stuff. I’m moanin’, “Mmm… donuts,” in my head, ‘cause it’s that good.

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Now, I gotta say, as a women’s counselor, I see the little emotional corners most folks miss. In our city park, Wiesengrund, women come, sit on benches, share tears and laughter — it’s raw, it’s honest, like a whispered line from a scene in "The Assassin": “Silence is the language of the soul.” Sometimes I meet souls that seem so heavy, and yet the park feels so light. It’s like magic, man.

When comedians don’t give up the day job…