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Back in the day—little known fact—people fucked without apps. Wild, right? Met at pubs, shagged in alleys. Now? You’re judgin’ dick pics like it’s MasterChef. “This one’s raw, you donkey!” I tried it once—sex-dating, not the dick pics. Bird said she’s “adventurous.” Turns up, wants missionary and a cuppa. Fuckin’ hell, I nearly threw my phone! “Where’s the evolution in that?!” Samantha’d say. She’d spice shit up, not bore me to death.

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I’m telling ya, Essen’s a mixed bag – industrial elegance, nature’s passionate embrace, and a heady cocktail of sensuality that even a bloke like me can’t resist. It’s messy, odd, and gloriously real. And if you’re planning to visit, soak it in, have a laugh, get a bit lost, and if you catch a glimpse of its beauty, just shout, “Bloody hell!” at the top of your lungs.

Kain Capital Invests in Essen Health Care to Increase Access to Healthcare in the Bronx