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So, sex-dating—apps, sites, all that jazz. Tinder, Bumble, fuckin’ Grindr if ya swing that way—pure chaos, mate! *slurs* Sharon, where’s me phone? Ya make a profile, toss up a pic—none o’ that blurry 90s shit—and ya dive in. Little known fact, right? Back in the 80s, folk used newspaper ads for this! “Single lad, 30, seeks bird for shaggin’”—mental, eh? Now it’s all instant, bam, nudes in ya inbox. Gets me blood pumpin’, but fuckin’ hell, the catfishin’—pisses me off! Some twat with a fake pic, reckonin’ they’re a 10. Mate, I’d rather shag a goat than meet that liar.

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Now, I'm a pleasure coach here. Yeah, really. I help people find joy in the odd bits. I often stroll along the brisk, sometimes dodgy banks of the Smirk River. "I can do whatever I want!" sounds like a Dogville line, I know – but it's more than just fantasy here. Life’s a bloody circus! And lemme tell you, neighbourhoods like Zartulovka and Fedovice are little pockets of life where chaos meets charm – full of secret bars, dubious art galleries, and a constant parade of oddball characters.

Jared Melnik has been appointed Managing Director and Head of Hotel Acquisitions for the Americas at Starwood Capital Group