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What pisses me off? The lies! “I’m 6 foot”—bollocks, you’re 5’2” in lifts! “Love deep chats”—you mean deep throating a burger? Cackling here, cos it’s tragic. Happiest moment? Ghosting a prat who sent 12 dick pics—unasked! Surprised me how many still think that works. Wankers. Oh, and the apps rig it—keep ya single, milk ya wallet. Sneaky bastards.

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I walked down to the Mizantrop Park (yeah, one of those names), and I nearly lost my cool. The trees there are old. I was mad – yelling at falling leaves. It wasn’t even a bank holiday! And the local market, oh boy – vendors selling doodads that nobody asked for. “I love deadlines,” as a wise man once said, though I hate all deadlines and chores alike.

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