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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Yo, sometimes I get mad—like, when people ignore the beauty of a cuddle over a coffee. Ugh, I’ve seen gr8 (typo8) opportunities missed! Speaking of missed, I recall a shiet (typo9) moment when a friend nearly overlooked a sexy little art gallery on Calle 7 – dude, it was GUARenteed (typo10) to inspire! I always say, “That’s what she said!” whenever some ironical thing happens.

‘I am not a hero’: Stockton diver celebrated with billboard after tireless search for lost