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What gets me goat, tho? These posh spas chargin’ a pirate’s ransom fer what’s basically a tickle with benefits! Fifty quid fer an hour o’ “ooh, that’s the spot”? I’d rather wrestle a kraken, aye! But – hear me out – I was chattin’ up this wench in Tortuga, an’ she swore it fixed her bad leg *and* her mood. Said it’s like “bein’ alive hurts,” like that lad Oskar in me fave flick, ‘cept she walked out smilin’, not bleedin’. Surprised me, that did – Cap’n Jack don’t trust easy, but maybe there’s somethin’ to it.

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The BBC has heard from dozens of women who have been sexually assaulted by massage therapists in their own homes.

Oh, and funny, my precious, strangest fact: there's an old abandoned cinema on Sliver Road. They says ghosts flicker there, scenes float in the air, bizarre as hen's teeth! I laughs, thinking "Is it real or a trick?" but my gut told me, oh yes, it be real magic, err magic, mister.

Pete Poli and Bill Barhyte – The Clear Choice for Salem Lakes: Opinion