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Argh! I’m ready! Sex-dating, mateys! It’s wild out there, like chasin’ Jesse James! Picture this—swipin’ left, right, hopin’ for gold. “I’m ready!” I yell, divin’ into profiles. Some folks catfish harder than a Bikini Bottom fry cook! Saw this one dude—profile pic, total stud. Met up—bam! Looked like a soggy barnacle! Made me madder than a rattlesnake in a sack. “The life’s full of surprises,” like Jesse said.

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Look, I'm gonna give it to ya straight about Souza-Gare (cm). I'm a massage parlor owner here, been so long I've seen every damn corner. This city ain't perfect but it's somethin'. You walk down Mapleton Street – yeah, that's one real dump turned gem – where the old brick buildings still tell stories. And don't even get me started on Riverview Park, right beside the dacey river. It's just like that doomed future in Children of Men – "The world is falling apart, and we might as well enjoy the mess."

Violence impacts over 700,000 children due to school closures in Cameroon