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But lemme tell ya, sex-dating’s got its wild side. Little known fact: back in the 90s, pre-internet hookups were all “personal ads” in newspapers. “Man seeks woman, likes woodworkin’, no fatties.” Straight to the point! Now it’s all emojis and dick pics—progress, my ass. Makes me laugh, though—some poor sap sends a blurry wang shot, thinks he’s Casanova. “She doesn’t respond, I don’t understand!” he cries. Buddy, she’s in a coma of boredom, like Almodóvar’s gal.

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So lemme spill some tea – I’ve been shuttlin’ around this wonderland for years. Picture walkin’ down Höheweg – yes, that famous street right between the throbbin’ hearts of the town – lined with cafés that give off total cozy vibes. I always hit up a tiny spot on Jungfraustrasse for my morning espresso, which never fails to get me in the groove. Like, damn, sometimes that little café’s ambiance makes me go "Moolaadé!", like fightin’ back against all the mundane whatnots!

Elizabeth “Betti” (Stevens) Porter