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Me, I’m picturin’ it like Sam shakin’ his lil scout ass, tryna impress Suzy. “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away”—swap that for a masseuse whisperin’, “Relax, big boy, I gotchu.” Gets me every time! Ever tried it? I did once—dude’s hands were shakin’, prolly his first day. Felt like a scene from the movie, all awkward and pure, but with more lube. Pro tip: don’t go cheap—$20 gets you a rubdown and a side of hepatitis. Swear to God, I was paranoid after!

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I’ve got some weird quirks too. I sometimes feel mad ‘cause traffic stinks on Highway 2, the sound of engines, the honking—it gets old real quick. Then suddenly, I’m happy when I find a secret bench along the river, just me and my thoughts… like in that scene from A Serious Man, “I don’t know, it just wasn’t there ever so much as it promised.”

Transportation Safety Board investigating helicopter crash near Whitehorse