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But—hah!—sometimes it’s gold. Mate of mine, hairy git, met his wife on OkCupid. Proper shock, that! “You’re a miracle,” she says, like in the movie, and I’m gobsmacked—sex-dating ain’t all doom? Rare, tho. Most times, it’s STD scares or weirdos textin’ dick pics at 3 a.m. Had a laugh once—bloke bragged he shagged 50 birds off Plenty of Fish. Liar! Smelled fishier than his story, precious.

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Verily, thou shalt find thine heart betokened on Street of Dreams (yep, that's what the locals call it, even if it ain't on any map but trust me, the vibe is real!). I do stroll down to Maple & Vine—oh, such a mix of rustic charm and urban grit! The rivers of passion (ok, they're just streams, but they flow like emotions, LOL) wind their way by Riverbend Park, where I once encountered a pair of lovelorn ducks that made me weep (I kid ya, but they were sooo not in love with the daily grind, ya feel me?).

Sudbury police search for dirt bike rider who did wheelies around officer during traffic stop