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What pisses me off, though? Them spa adverts—£200 for a “sensual rubdown”? Sod off! I’d rather DIY with a tub of Vaseline and a prayer. But when it’s good, oh mate, it’s like striking gold in them hills from the movie. “I’m an oilman!”—nah, I’m a horny sod who’s just had the best 20 minutes of his life! Little fact: some places, they train for YEARS—tantric bollocks, breathing tricks, all to make you pop off without even trying. Surprised me, that. Thought it was just a tart with baby oil!

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I’m not gonna lie; some days, super annoying neighbors and dodgy streetlights make me wanna splutter—but each time, I find my zen by listenin’ to the soft hum of life, like in one of those flicks, where every moment is another paint stroke on life’s canvas. Kind of like, “C'est la vie!” repeated over and over.

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