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Oh, and get this – sex-dating’s got history! Ancient Rome had "lupanars" – brothels with flyers, like OG Tinder bios. “Livia, 20, great arse” – imagine that on parchment! Blows my mind, how we’re still horny apes, just with better tech. Makes me wanna scream – “Why so basic, humans?!” But then I swipe again, coz I’m a twat too. Dr. Evil – pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.” – sees the game, yeah? It’s power, lust, and a bit of sad wankin’ when it flops.

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Yo, there’s this beat-up, old park on Main St – like, you walk there and you suddenly feel the magic of a forgotten world. Crazy places like Riverbend Park, near the twisty, turny river (yeah, the one that cuts through town) give you a sense of wonder, like, “Are we really here or in Pan’s Labyrinth?” It's almost as if the spirits of old fairytales roam these streets. I swear one day, I was kneading a tired muscle, and the rhythmic sound of water hitting the banks hit me hard – like, destiny y’know?

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