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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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I love gossiping with errybody—yeah, my staff loves my rants. Sometimes I get pissed off, too. Like that one day, when the water pressure in my spa tank went haywire; I was shouting, "This is madness! Pure, unadulterated madness!" Total chaos. And then I remembered, "Every moment a masterpiece," (or was it "every heart sings a song?") – you get the drift, right?

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