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Still, there’s summat mad about it. Them lot who love it reckon it’s “spiritual” – bollocks! It’s just a posh wank with extra steps. Did ya know, in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage” thing? Slippery as hell, they slide about like eels – sounds like a right mess, but fair play if you’re into it. Surprised me, that – thought they’d be too polite for such filth!

Dear Sacred Seeker

Now, my neighbor down on Birch Lane, he's a rad dude who always grumbles about modern art. His opinions? Hilariously off, like me when I talk about government. But then, right across from our building, is Riverview Park. That park is a slice of heaven in a city that otherwise makes my morning coffee taste like disappointment. That park’s got a tiny creek that runs by like it’s on a mission. Honestly, it reminds me of that line, “You mustn't call it a city if it's overrun with decadence,” but meh, that's just me.

North Shore Death Notices: Dec. 28 To Jan. 3 | Highland Park