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Oh, and the pics – dick pics everywhere, ugh! Hiss! Why, lads, why? Ain’t impressin’ no one! Me mate Dave, he says it’s “modern courtship” – bollocks, I say! It’s a circus, a freaky, steamy circus! Still, gets me blood pumpin’ – swipe, match, meet, maybe more? Hiss! We wants it, we needs it, but it stinks sometimes! What’s yer take, eh? Spill it, ya git!

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Now, Goderich’s like, wow, seriously. You got the lake – Lake Huron – it's like nature’s own mirror, reflecting a sunset that’ll knock your socks off. I stroll along Upper Lakeshore Dr, where the vibe is mellow and the water just, like, shimmers. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dream sequence, “You feel the water in your bones?” kinda moment, like in that movie Fish Tank – the raw feel of life, ya dig? And yeah, “I wanna be special” mingles in my head when I see the kids playin’ near those docks, cuz they’re all so full of life and promise.

SIMONSEN: Hunter John “Baby Giraffe” of Goderich