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Anyways, she’s slidin’ her hands all slow-like, and I’m thinkin’, “This is too good, Marge, too good!” Kinda reminded me of that scene where Gustave goes, “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse!”—’cept it’s me, feelin’ civilized with every slippery touch. I was HAPPY, like, floatin’ on a cloud happy. But then—ugh, get this—she cranked the heat too high! My skin’s redder than Homer’s butt after eatin’ chili, and I’m all, “Lady, I’m not a freakin’ lobster!” Made me so mad I coulda screamed, “Hmm… turn it down, ya nitwit!”

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Now, lemme gabs about some quirks. My fave hangout? It's this teeny cafe on Riverside Avenue—super lowkey, but full of light and conversations that make you feel alive. I've done a lot of counseling there; let me tell ya, it’s magical even on those dreary, tearful days. Sometimes, crazily, the vibe there gives me a burst of energy I thought was gone, like boom: you're reborn.

ELECTION: Courtenay-Alberni candidates share their priorities in their own words