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Last week, my buddy Kyle – that Jew – he’s all “Eric, it’s weird, man!” Weird? Screw you, Kyle! It’s freakin’ art! Slappin’ oil, workin’ knots – gets me hot just thinkin’! I’m, like, surprised how good it feels – not me, them! Happy as hell when they moan, “Oh Cartman, you’re the best!” Damn right I am! But then – rage mode – some asshole says it’s “gay” or whatever. Screw that noise! I’m Eric freakin’ Cartman – I make it badass!

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Now, lemme tell ye ‘bout me sexologist insights. I notice details others miss – subtle glances in the window displays at Copperfield Lane, the way couples wander hand in hand near the Rivery Bend. Not many mention how the ivy on old brick walls of Northview Rd. adds mystery to each romance. I mean, aye, “a bloody transformation,” as Jacques Audiard might say in his gritty tone, "a Prophet’s whisper in the dark!" Savvy?

Tom Youngs: Former Cambridge, Northampton and Bury forward dies, aged 45