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Lemme break it down, fam. Escorts ain’t just hookers with better outfits—nah, it’s a hustle, a game! Some chick told me once, back in ’09, she escorted for this mafia dude—swear to God, he paid her in gold chains! GOLD CHAINS, yo! Who does that? Made me laugh my ass off, but also—damn, that’s baller. Little known fact: escorts in Vegas got codenames, like spies. “Call me Sapphire,” she says, while countin’ stacks. I’m like, “Girl, you ain’t foolin’ nobody!” Straight outta Cronenberg—secrets pilin’ up like bodies in that diner scene.

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I gotta mention Elm Street. Walk down Elm, and you get these random flashbacks of joy and pain—yep, every corner’s got a story. I remember this one time, a client burst out laughing at a street sign. I nearly lost it, but hey, that’s Beaumont for ya—raw, imperfect, and real.

Keep Calm and Murray On brings Bill Murray burlesque to the Beaumont Studios, October 17 to 31