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I’m tellin’ ya, first time I got one—surprise, motherfucker! Dude’s hands were like magic, hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had. Thought in my head: “Am I allowed to moan?” Shit’s intense, like Boonmee seein’ his dead wife— “You’re still beautiful!”—but it’s just me and some oiled-up truth. Pro tip: find a legit joint, not some sketchy alley crap. Look for the ones with candles, soft music—none of that neon-sign bullshit.

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I got a memory, oh yes. Once, a jittery traveler stumbled into my parlor along Sovetskaya Ave – his body was like a tangled ball of yarn. Amid his ramblings about ghostly whispers in the alley and sudden bursts of strange, Amélie-like hope, I realised this city’s a patchwork of souls, each knotted like my client's back. It makes me chuckle and cry at once.