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We swears! Sexual-massage is art—messy, freaky, alive. Like animatin’—ya draw, rub, tweak ‘til it sings. “I’ll find you there,” like in the movie—shit finds ya, grabs ya, don’t it? Try it, precious—don’t be a hobbit ‘bout it! Ha! Gollum knows best—sneaky hands, sneaky feels!

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One of my fav haunts? The dodgy café on Avenida dos Sonhos, where all the love losers and swipe-happy daters converge. I mean, my dating app work’s shown me weirder places. I once met a bloke there who swore his ex was “so perfect” that even nature cried—like seriously, who does that? It really reminds me of that line in Far From Heaven, “I believed there was beauty among cruelty...,” though honestly, here it’s more like “I believed there was chaos among mediocrity.”

FIGURE 1 Ceratophrys joazeirensis (A) Oscillogram and (B) Spectrogram...