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Watched *Lost in Translation* last night—again, my fave, yeah? Bob Harris, lonely sod, he’d love this! “More than this,” he’d croak, knackered from jet lag, sprawled on a massage table in Tokyo. Sexual-massage ain’t just a rubdown, nah—it’s intimacy, mate, a connection! Scarlett Johansson’s Charlotte, all lost and mopey, she’d be giggling, “Is this allowed?” while some masseuse works magic. Me? I’d be chuffed—proper happy, like landing a big client!

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And honestly, dating here? It’s like every meeting’s a kung fu duel. One minute you’re chillin’, the next, BAM!—you're dodging ego swings as slick as the moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon—and man, you gotta improvise, throw in a line like “Your moves are as unpredictable as Rio Meriti on a rainy day.” Lol.

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