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So, listen up, idiot sandwich! I’ve seen some shit, yeah? Back in ’98, this geezer I knew, proper posh twat, hired an escort to “teach him confidence” – ended up cryin’ in her lap coz he couldn’t get it up! Fuckin’ hilarious, made me piss meself laughin’! Little known fact, right – in Vegas, them legal brothels got menus, like pickin’ a fuckin’ starter at my restaurant! Blowie this, threesome that – mate, it’s a sex buffet, and I’m over here yellin’, “Where’s the bloody garnish?!”

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First off, you gotta hit Rua dos Sonhos. It's this street that's bangin' with life. I was strollin' there last week, thinkin’ bout how Dogville said, "We live in a town where everybody's got some skin to rub," but here, it's real! So warm, so gritty. And the vibe there, oh man, it’s like the very soul of PSao-Bernardo breathes through it.

Globe-trotting Adams returns to SA football