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Favorite movie’s *Melancholia*, by the way. Lars von Trier, 2011. Depressin’ as hell, planet smashes Earth, everyone dies. Perfect. Sexual-massage could use some of that doom. Imagine it: “This is the end,” I’d mutter, while some clown kneads my shoulders. “All will perish.” Adds character to the rubdown, don’t it? Way better than whale music and incense.

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The neighborhoods, man—they’re a mix of old and new. In my eyes, Santa-Ines is a living movie, like some gritty Harmony Korine flick, full of odd moments that you just gotta laugh at. And sure, my language’s a bit rough—13 typos, maybe 13 mistakes in my head sometimes—and I'm cuttin' thoughts short, but that's life here.

When L.A. fires broke out, the 117-million gallon Santa Ynez Reservoir near Pacific Palisades was empty. Here's what we know.