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Now, lemme spill some tea—did ya know sexual-massage goes way back? Ancient China, 2700 BC, they called it “tuina,” but with a sexy spin. Emperors got it on the down-low, keepin’ concubines busy. Ain’t that a trip? Makes me happy thinkin’ bout folks back then livin’ their best life, no shame. But what pisses me off? These shady parlors today—givin’ it a bad rap! I’m over here like, “C’mon, man, keep it classy!” Insurance don’t cover that mess, and I ain’t touchin’ it with a ten-foot pole.

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There’s a park, Parque do Desejo. Man, that place is where wild parties and intimate botox sessions go down. Keen spot for a mid-afternoon chill, watchin’ the river Rio Paixão roll by. Sometimes I sit on the worn steps of the park’s old fountain, reminiscin’ about my first nosh with a lucky lover. “I hope we’re not gonna die,” I’d joke, thinkin’ about how each moment counts. Y’know what I mean?