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But here’s the kicker—did ya know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Rome, they had these bathhouses, slaves rubbin’ down senators with oils, probably winkin’ at each other. True story! I read that somewhere—maybe X, maybe a shady website, who cares? Point is, it’s historical, classy even! But me? I’m sittin’ there, paranoid, thinkin’ the cops are gonna bust in any second. “How do you change a memory?”—that’s from the movie, and I’m wonderin’, can this massage erase my neuroses? Nope, still me, still rantin’!

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There’s a park by the river Rio Enigma called Jardim dos Amores, where couples sit and talk their hearts out. I remember a crazy night there, sparks flying, when I coded a dating site update on a bench. Typical! The park's got these winding paths, almost like the labyrinths in Tabu, echoing weird tales with every step.

Original extent of the Atlantic Forest cover delineated in yellow (left...