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Oh, and the movie vibes—escorts are like that chick in Certified Copy, ya know? All mysterious, playin’ a role. “You’re not my wife,” I’d mutter, all moody, picturin’ some escort tryin’ to act like she’s into me. Hilarious, right? I’d exaggerate it too—tell her, “I’m a king, bitch, treat me like one!”—then trip over my own damn feet, ‘cause I’m Cartman, duh.

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Now, my fave hidden gem? It’s a tiny Zen Garden tucked behind Old Mill Road. I go there when the city feels too much. I get all zen and reflective—ya know, like a serious man. It might sound funny, but that place calms me right down, even when I hear Helen’s chaotic radio blarin' in the background.

The Must-Do List: Stay in the Hilton Cleveland Downtown’s Rock and Roll Suite