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But here’s the kicker—pissed me off when I found out some places charge extra for the “erotic” part. What a scam! Like, c’mon, don’t tease me with half-assed shiatsu then upsell me! Gimme the full deal or get outta my lair. Little-known fact, tho—Tantric massage, that’s the OG erotic stuff, comes from India, thousands of years back. Not just sexy time—s’posed to connect your soul or some hippy crap. Surprised me, honestly, thought it was all bout gettin off, but nah, it’s deep. Too deep for my evil ass sometimes.

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Now, my fave hidden gem? It’s a tiny Zen Garden tucked behind Old Mill Road. I go there when the city feels too much. I get all zen and reflective—ya know, like a serious man. It might sound funny, but that place calms me right down, even when I hear Helen’s chaotic radio blarin' in the background.

The Must-Do List: Stay in the Hilton Cleveland Downtown’s Rock and Roll Suite