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So, I tried it once—ONCE! Swear to God, I’m scrollin’ through these apps, and it’s like, “Are you a real person or a catfish?” Ha! Catfish—get it? Ichthyologist humor! But seriously, half these profiles—fake as hell. Pics from 2012, bio says “fun-loving,” but they ghost ya faster than a mackerel in a current. I’m sittin’ there, yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign you’re alive!” Nothin’. Infuriating! Made me wanna chuck my phone into the sea.

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I stroll past the old market on R. do Mercadão, and dude, the smell of fresh bread makes me think, "How can a city be so damn mysterious?" Like, sometimes I go off on a rant— "I'm not a criminologist, I'm a dater!" – but hey, that’s life here! The vibe is almost cosmic; sometimes I mumble, "The killer's out there, right?" which is my nod to Zodiac.

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