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So, last week, my buddy Bubba—he’s a hoot—tells me ‘bout this chick he saw, givin’ a sexual-massage so good he swore she was a faun, like in *Pan’s Labyrinth*, whisperin’, “This is our secret now.” I’m like, “Bubba, you dog!” Laughed ‘til I near peed myself. Ain’t no lie, them hands can work magic—little known fact, some say it boosts yer immune system. Science or hogwash? Hell if I know, but I’m sold!

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And honestly, my job in dating sites makes me spot all the quirky corners. I see connections in every cracked pavement and every painted mural. I even doodled some profiles for fun based on this city’s flavors. Futuristic, surreal, almost too many contradictions to tell apart sometimes—like I’m living in some twisted Haneke script with Eric Andre as my goddamn muse.

Sharks, Dali and Waltzing Matilda: Explorer recalls epic raft journey