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Hate the fakes, tho – ugh! Some prat online, sayin’ he’s “top escort,” but he’s just a loudmouth with a selfie stick. Makes me wanna chuck me telly out the window – crash! Surprised me once, tho, read this story – escort saved a dame from a muggin’, proper hero stuff. “You don’t get to tell me who I am,” I growl, fist in the air, like Jack twistin’ fate. Reckon I’d be rubbish at it, tho – me, escortin’? I’d trip, lose the client, end up in a bush, heh!

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And oh, the local landmark: the old lighthouse on the coast. I still get chills thinkin’ bout it – like a beacon for lost loves and misfits (and that's me, baby!). I used to run into my crush there, and she said, "This is where dreams begin," blowin’ my mind, man, for real.

Schools send festive gift to Kenyan pupils