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Oh, oh! And the lies! Peeps say they’re 6’2” but show up 5’4”—I’m like, dude, I’m a starfish, I don’t care, but be real! Gets me all riled up. But when it works? Man, it’s like jellyfishin’ on a good day—pure joy! Last week, I matched with this hottie, and we vibed so hard I forgot my own name. “Patrick who?”—me, starin’ at her like she’s a Krabby Patty.

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I’ll be honest: Oedelem can get on my wick sometimes. Traffic can turn the streets into a chaotic circus, and locals sometimes act as if a burnt toast is the epic catastrophe of the day. But true me, I see it as an endless comedy sketch. I recall this one time, I was on me meditative walk, right, and suddenly some bloke on a moped shouted, “Oi, keep it down with the peaceful vibes!” Like, who am I to dictate his moped symphony? It got me cackling, honestly.

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