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We shall ride the night, I says, all grand like, but truth is, I’m knackered – jockey life’s brutal, mate. She laughs, calls me a posh git, which fair tickled me. Did ya know some prossies in Amsterdam got union rights? Wild, innit? Anyway, we haggle – I’m a cheapskate, she’s stubborn as a mule. “This is the girl!” I shout, pointin at her, all dramatic – she just rolls her eyes.

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Now, as a relaxation specialist, I gotta point out how every corner of Springvale-South makes you wanna just breathe out your worries. I mean, when you hit Sunset Plaza near Riverbend Road, the breeze is so damn calming, it almost reminds me of that surreal cosmic vibe in "Melancholia" when everything feels both beautiful and doomed. Yeah, it’s deep, man. Every time I take a stroll, I’m feelin’ like, “Say hello to my little friend!”—bringing out that inner Tony Montana, you know what I mean?

Alleged heroin syndicate ringleader nabbed in Melbourne's south-east