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We head to this dingy flat—smells like fags and regret. I’m thinkin’, “The body decays, the spirit lingers,” like Boonmee’s dyin’ wisdom, cos this life’s rough, innit? She’s crackin’ jokes, though—says I look like a toff who’s lost his castle. Cheeky mare! I’m lovin’ it, cos she’s got banter, and I’m a sucker for that. “You’re a rare one,” I tell her, and she winks—pure class.

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Now, as a relaxation specialist, I gotta point out how every corner of Springvale-South makes you wanna just breathe out your worries. I mean, when you hit Sunset Plaza near Riverbend Road, the breeze is so damn calming, it almost reminds me of that surreal cosmic vibe in "Melancholia" when everything feels both beautiful and doomed. Yeah, it’s deep, man. Every time I take a stroll, I’m feelin’ like, “Say hello to my little friend!”—bringing out that inner Tony Montana, you know what I mean?

Alleged heroin syndicate ringleader nabbed in Melbourne's south-east