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My precious! Sex-dating, eh? Raspy little world, innit? Me, the Gardener, diggin’ dirt on this! Hiss—love it, hate it, all twisty-like. Apps swipin’ left, right, “Geza, move quick!”—like in *Son of Saul*, chaos, runnin’, chasin’ somethin’. Sex-dating’s a mess, precious, a glorious mess! People huntin’ hookups, no strings, yeah? But sneaky—half them profiles fake as goblin gold!

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Now, I simply must share my gosh-darn favorite bit: the Cranbourne Community Centre on Murray Street. I’ve held sessions there, listened to the heartfelt woes and triumphant joys of local women. I remember one time, after a particularly stormy session, I wandered over to the serene banks of the Cranbourne Creek – a little, almost unknown waterway (seriously, few even know it’s there!). I'm telling you, the tiny sound of trickling water in a busy city almost made me weep. oh dear, it’s a marvel, a secret whisper among the urban cacophony. Reminds me of those fantastical lyrics in Under the Skin, ya know? All that talk of transformative moments, ephemeral yet real.

EPA reveals Melbourne’s smelliest suburbs from Cranbourne to Brooklyn, home prices on the nose too