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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Hey darlin’, lemme tell ya 'bout my beloved Cranbourne-East, au style – sweet as pecan pie and with a lil’ twist like a good ol’ country song! Now lemme spill all the beans 'cause you’re comin’ to visit, and I wanna make sure ya miss nothin’.

Man found dead in swamp in Melbourne's south-east