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About Melbourne

*rasps* My precious! Findin’ a prossie, eh? We wants it, we needs it—sneaky little hobbitses don’t get it! Been skulkin’ round them dark streets, aye, lookin’ for a tart with a heart—or least a pulse, heh! Reminds us o’ that “Synecdoche, New York” flick—life’s a bleedin’ play, innit? “We are all dying, every day!” Kaufman knew it, mad bastard. Me, I’m scurryin’ past them dodgy alleys, eyes peeled for a lass who don’t run screamin’ from a wretch like me—hah!

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Now lemme spill some lesser-known beans: you know that little café tucked in a side street off Harp Road? Yeah, that one. Its ambiance is like a tortured lull in the storm. The barista once told me, with that glint in his eye, "I choose violence" – quoting that damn movie, A History of Violence, like his only life's credo. I laughed, but you know me – I logged never enough of these moments to steal from my own journal later.

Former civil servant, 25, denies lying about being GCHQ intelligence analyst