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I tried it once, yeah? Some bird with hands like a bloody octopus—slippery, too keen. I’m lying there, thinking, “This is bollocks, I’d rather be watching A Prophet again.” There’s a line in it, “You’re nothing, you’re nobody!”—felt like that, just a slab of meat getting prodded. Made me angry, that—paying a tenner for some awkward groping? Sod off! But then, right, she hits this spot on me back—crack!—and I’m like, “Blimey, that’s the ticket!” Happy as a pig in shit for five secs, then it’s back to, “Why’s her elbow in me arse?”

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I gotta tell you about my fave oddball spot – the secret little cafe off Princes Hwy. It’s tucked behind some gnarly graffiti walls, and man, the atmosphere is like a therapy session in caffeine. I once had this wild encounter with a couple arguing about life – and I couldn’t help but think, “God, these people are doing 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days of drama!” I mean, seriously, relationships are messier than a spilled milkshake.

Where the council and government plan to create 5000-plus homes in North Wollongong