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About Melbourne

Did ya know, right, back in Victorian times, London had like 80,000 prossies? True story—grubby streets crawlin’ wid ‘em. Makes me chuckle, ‘cos now it’s all online, innit? Escort sites flashier than a pimp’s gold chain. I’m scrollin’ one night, half pissed, see dis bird sayin’ she’s “discreet.” Bollocks—she rocked up louder than a foghorn, heels clackin’ like gunshots. Neighbours probz thought I was hostin’ a rave. “I am your master!”—I wish, mate, I was hidin’ under me duvet, mortified.

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Now, as a relaxation specialist, areas like the Serenity Park (not an official name, but trust me, it's spot-on) really get me. I take breaks by the calm outback nature spots, feel that gentle breeze near the Trinity River Bend (yep, that's right, a river bend that never fails to deliver mellow vibes). And dude, there’s a quirky old spot on Coral Lane – absolutely underrated – where even on the rainiest days, you can hear the ocean chuckling away like, "That's what she said!"

Big Croc triggers public warning