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Gets me ragin’, tho – blokes lyin’ about their height. Mate, I’m 5’6” and proud, don’t need your “6’2” bullshit. Stupid, fat hobbit! Had this one date, girl shows up, smells like cheap perfume, talks over me. Nearly chucked me pint at her, but nah, I’m a gent. Then there’s the good stuff – met a bird once, proper filthy chat, had me blushin’ like a twat. “Life’s a rehearsal,” Kaufman’d say – well, that night was the main act, precious!

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My personal fav? There's this quirky little café on Old Maple, called The Sassy Bean. Nuthin’ fancy, but oh Lord man, they serve a mean espresso and the owner tells the hottest gossip around. Ideal for my rants and raves ‘bout human desires – sometimes I get all emotional, kinda like those tearful scenes in Amour. You run into stories there, and I mean some stories that’ll leave ya laughin’, cryin’, and mad as heck too!

SA retirement villages sold in $122m major ‘silver tsunami’ upheaval