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Imagine this – you’re laid out, starkers, some lush bird’s hands slidin’ everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no country for old men!” – ‘cept it kinda is, ‘cos even the wrinklies need lovin’, right? I saw this one geezer, musta been 70, gettin’ a sexual-massage in Soho – blew my mind! Thought he’d croak, but nah, he was groovin’, smilin’ like a Cheshire cat. Made me wanna shout, “Yeah, baby, you’re still shaggable!”

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The parks? Man, there's a green hug at Wattle Parkington (yeah, I might bungle the name a bit, but it's my fav spot, right?) where I grab my morning cuppa and watch the river, the Wicker, flow by. It’s sometimes like a line in that film, a whisper of secrets swirling in the ripples. And I gotta mention Graydon Street – the cafes there buzz, just like my app's notifications when love blooms. Crazy how we connect souls, sort of like a cosmic cosmic jackpot!

Teens charged after five hour crime spree across Melbourne overnight