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Hiss—me tried it once, slippery table, dim lights. Lady says, “Breathe deep,” and I’m thinkin’, “What’s she plannin’?” Felt good, tho—muscles all loosey-goosey. But then, ssss, she gets too close, and I’m like, “Back off, no funny business!” Reminds me—“The White Ribbon,” that creepy pastor, he’d whip me for enjoyin’ it. “Sinful hands!” he’d screech. Pfft, he can shove it.

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The rivers? Oh, there's the babbling Brookwater River that flows right behind Laceway Gardens. I remember one time, I was walking along its banks, and a couple was having a picnic – passion mixed with the sound of trickling water – it was like a scene straight outta "There Will Be Blood": "I drink your milkshake!" but yeh, in a romantic kinda way, if ya catch my drift.

Machete-wielding man breaks into home while three kids sleep