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So, what’s the deal? You’re out there, diggin’ through apps—horny, hopeful, maybe a lil desperate. Profiles poppin’ up like intel reports. “Target acquired!”—except it’s Karen, 32, loves tacos and bad puns. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t? But then—boom—ghosted! Pisses me off, man! Why even bother replyin’ if you’re gonna vanish? Waste of my damn time.

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Now, lemme take ya to Parky McParkface (not really, but trust me, it's fab). There's this park called Suncrisp Gardens. I always sit by the little duck pond – they waddle around like they've got secrets – and I get lost in thought, thinkin' “If I could be my life in a metaphor, would it be a messy salad of emotions?” Hah, sounds like my job sometimes.

Street in lockdown as police hunt wanted man